…and embrace God’s Higher Vision for your marriage (future or present)!
“Your dream of the ‘perfect’ man has to go. It is this man God has given you—another sinner. There isn’t anything else to marry!” –Elisabeth Elliot
In the last blog, Why Christian Women Don’t Want to Marry a Perfect Man, we explored the dream of a perfect man that so many of us have, why it’s much better for us to marry an imperfect man, and the Higher Vision God has for us. Jesus said, “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly” (John 10:10). He wants to breathe life and purpose into our dating relationships and marriages. To experience relationships full of Jesus, we must let go of the dream of a perfect man. (Just wondering, is the Disney song “Let it Go” playing in anyone else’s head?)
Here are 5 steps to let go of the dream of a perfect man so we can embrace God’s Higher Vision for us:
1—Stop pressuring ourselves to have the “perfect relationship.”
We know two human beings cannot have a perfect relationship because “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). Thankfully, God doesn’t expect us (or the guys) to be perfect.
“For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.” -Psalm 103:11-14
If our Holy Creator can have compassion for us, then we should receive His gift of grace and stop pressuring ourselves to perform perfectly in our relationships.
2—Stop thinking we need to have everything figured out in a relationship.
God’s vision for marriage: ”For we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:30-32).
The interworkings of the marriage relationship are a “profound mystery.” God’s marital vision is…well, it’s God-sized! We can’t fathom it on our own. God’s vision graciously invites us to center our marriage around Jesus, who can reveal the mystery to us.
Relationships, in a general sense, were designed to help us grow and to glorify Him. Thankfully, God doesn’t expect us to have everything figured out in a relationship; He simply wants us to aim for Him first and love like Jesus! In Jesus’ words: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself’” (Matthew 32:37-39/NIV).
3—Trust Jesus as our Ultimate Leader.
If we have accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior, then we belong to Him above all others. Even in marriage, a wife’s bond with Jesus is stronger than the one-flesh connection with her husband. When scripture calls us to submit to one another, we’re “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21).
Single, dating, or married—we’re all called to submit to Jesus, to let go of our will, our dreams, and follow His lead in wholeheartedly embracing God’s Higher Vision and Good Plans for us.
Jesus is our First Love and our Ultimate Leader, who made the ultimate sacrifice for us. “But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.” -Isaiah 53:5-6
Jesus is the leader who never leaves us or forsakes us. “And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:20).
Jesus always leads us in the best direction. “He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake” (Psalm 23:3).
Jesus is the leader who empowers us to succeed. “But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you” (John 14:26).
Jesus is the leader who is able to meet our every need. “And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19).
Jesus is the leader who always brings us closer to God. “Jesus said to him, ‘I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me’” (John 14:6).
Jesus is our Ultimate Leader; He’s absolutely perfect!
4—Value our role in the marriage relationship.
Often the unrealistic desire to have a perfect man stems from a wrong belief about godly leadership. Many believe the husband, who holds a role of leadership in the marriage, does everything while the wife contributes nothing to the relationship. God’s vision for wives is higher than this!
When God unites a woman with a man in the intimate, one-flesh connection of marriage, they become teammates in the mission of glorifying God. “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.’” (Genesis 2:18). The role of “helper fit” is an active role, not a passive role.
A godly husband needs a wife who actively pursues Christ and actively pursues God’s marital vision with him!
When it comes to dating, it’s important to remember dating is the world’s creation. In a dating relationship, there is not a commitment significant enough for the man assume the leadership role he does in marriage. In dating, a woman doesn’t submit to the man like she would in marriage. However, we use dating as a way of determining if a man is a compatible match for carrying out God’s marital vision. We want to give him appropriate opportunities to lead while we actively contribute to a dating relationship by being ourselves, communicating, respecting our brother in Christ, encouraging him, and pursuing Christ as our Ultimate Leader.
5—Let God’s love overflow into our relationships.
In three short sentences, Jesus revealed how we can be of like mind, heart, and soul with God: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself’” (Matthew 32:37-39/NIV).
Love God. Aim for God first. Receive His gift of grace, and stop pressuring yourself to perform perfectly or to have the perfect human relationship. Embrace the relationship you have with the Perfect One who loved you to death. Trust Jesus as your Ultimate Leader. Actively pursue Him, and rest in His love.
Love others. Let Jesus’ love overflow into your relationships so that he (i.e. a date, a boyfriend, or husband) may grow closer to the One who is absolutely perfect for him!
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” -1 Corinthians 13:4-8a/NIV
Prayer
Dear God, You are Perfection—a brilliant thinker, a creative visionary, a masterful planner of good plans, a gracious, forgiving, loving, and trustworthy Father worthy of my whole heart, mind, and soul. Your Son and Spirit are perfection, too!
Thank you for dreaming greater dreams for me than I could ever dream for myself. I confess that I’ve missed the mark by allowing my own thoughts to guide me instead of following Your trustworthy Word and Your Son’s loving example. Please forgive me. I surrender my unrealistic dream of the non-existent perfect man to You! I surrender my relational plans to You. I submit to Your Higher Vision.
Teach me to rest in Jesus’ love and enjoy Him so deeply that I wholeheartedly learn to follow His lead in loving well. Let Your Holy Spirit empower me to love like Jesus. I’m so grateful Jesus is mine, and I am His! In Jesus’ Loving Name, Amen.
*Verses are ESV unless noted
