Why Christian Women Don’t Want to Marry A Perfect Man 2

Almost every Christian guy I dated had the same story. They had dated Christian women who held high expectations of how a man should lead in a dating relationship. When their expectations were not met, the women responded with anger and harsh comments like:  

“This is your fault because you didn’t lead me well.”

“If you were a good leader, you would have…”

“A real man would have…”

All of the men expressed how they felt their former girlfriends expected them to be perfect leaders. No matter how hard they tried, the guys found it impossible to please them. Their girlfriends’ harsh words left them feeling rebuked, discouraged, and immobilized.    

The men’s stories surprised me. They were godly men whose lives displayed the fruit of true relationship with Jesus. They actively sought out ways to grow in godliness and in leadership. They treated me respectfully and lovingly as their sister in Christ. Sure, these guys weren’t perfect, but in my experience with them, they were sincerely trying to love well. That has to count for something, right?

Years later, I still hear this SAME STORY from single, godly guy friends my husband and I know. When these dating relationships end, the men always question if they have what it takes as a leader and a man. The women leave angry and with unmet expectations. If the women wrap their worth around their expectations being met, then they also leave with hurt feelings. These are people who know the love of Jesus who are building relationships that don’t reflect His love well. Sometimes this SAME STORY goes beyond dating relationships and into marriages. This story is always going to have a sad ending unless something changes.

Reflection

*Have you been held to a standard of perfection in a dating relationship (or in another type of relationship)? If so, what was that like?

*What are your expectations of how a man should lead in a dating relationship? In marriage?

EXPLORE THE EXPECTATION

Let’s get to the root of this expectation that a man should be a perfect (or nearly perfect) leader in a dating relationship and in marriage.

The idea of a man holding a leadership role in a relationship comes from God’s vision and design for marriage. Adam held this role in his marriage with Eve. Through Jesus’ death and resurrection, we were provided a fuller understanding of God’s vision for the marriage relationship to reflect the relationship of Christ to His Church. Like Christ’s relationship with the body of believers, marriage is a commitment-based relationship filled with lay-down-your-life-kind-of-love, grace, dignity, heart surrender, unity, cherishing, and honoring.  

In his role, the husband takes the loving lead, reflecting Christ as a loving leader who cherishes and honors Christ-followers. In her role, the wife loves, respects, and submits to her husband as the relationship leader, reflecting the submission of believers to Jesus. As Christ-followers, the husband and wife ultimately surrender themselves to Jesus, aiming to please Him first and foremost!

“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” -Ephesians 5:22-27/NIV

EXPLORE THE QUESTION: Should Christian women want to date and marry a man who is a perfect leader?

1 – The expectation for a man to be a perfect leader isn’t backed by God’s Word.

In Ephesians 5 where the marriage relationship is described, it doesn’t mention a requirement for a man to be a perfect leader. It says he should be a LOVING leader! ^“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” -Ephesians 5:25

The Bible doesn’t speak directly to the roles of boyfriend and girlfriend. Dating is the world’s invention; people in Bible times courted. Though dating is intended to help us find a compatible marriage partner to live out God’s marital vision, a dating relationship doesn’t hold the depth of commitment, love, and unity infused into the marriage relationship. Essentially, the roles of leader and responder don’t translate fully to dating.

The greatest commandments Jesus gave to ALL believers DO apply in dating: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’“ –Matthew 22:38-39/NIV

God’s Word says, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” -1 Corinthians 13:4-8a/NIV

2 – Marrying a man who is a perfect leader is NOT an option!

One of my heroines of the faith, Elisabeth Elliot said, “Your dream of the ‘perfect’ man has to go. It is this man God has given you—another sinner. There isn’t anything else to marry!”

“All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” -Romans 3:23

3 – IF a man could lead perfectly, we would lose some influence and joy as wives.

In God’s marital vision, the husband and wife are a team who seek Jesus together, glorify God together, build a home together, raise a family together, steward God’s creation together, minister to others together, overcome the trials of life together, and help the world see a picture of Christ’s love for His Church together. God has given the wife a lot of influence with her husband.

“Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.’” –Genesis 2:18

Marriage is a one-flesh connection, the most intimate human relationship we can experience on this side of Heaven; a wife is the greatest teammate her husband can have. Think about this: Your godly character, your God-given wisdom and talents, your love, your willingness to speak the truth graciously,  your encouraging words, and your willingness to follow your husband as he follows Jesus can be used by God to help your husband grow as a loving leader. Imagine the JOY of experiencing God in that way!

You wouldn’t experience that depth of joy with a man who was already a perfect leader.  

4 – IF a man could lead perfectly, we would probably place too much trust in him.

Give us a man with a warm smile we see, a comforting hug we feel, a deep voice we hear, and perhaps wearing nice cologne we smell. Plus, this man leads perfectly, makes the best decisions, respects us perfectly, appreciates us perfectly, and cherishes us perfectly. Give us all of this in a man, and it would be REALLY EASY for us to find our security in him, to place too much of our trust in him, when ultimately, our trust should be in Jesus. Even when a husband is a good leader, it can be tempting to put too much faith in him—to make him an idol. Though we aim to follow Jesus, our hearts are prone to wander.  

“All we like sheep have gone astray;    we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.” -Isaiah 53:6

The truth is: We don’t need a man to be a perfect leader because we already have a perfect leader—Jesus!

“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
   He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
  he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
   for his name’s sake.” –Psalm 23:1-3/NIV

Jesus will have your back EVEN when your husband leads in a less than desirable direction. Jesus will HONOR you for your willingness to follow Him (BIG “H”) by following him (little “h”)!

5 – IF a man could lead perfectly, we would miss out on “godly learnings.”

“’For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5: 31-32/NIV). God’s Word describes God’s vision for marriage as a “profound mystery.” Emphasis is placed on marriage being about RELATIONSHIP and UNITY in both Christ’s relationship with His Church and the relationship of a husband with his wife.

Though our human minds won’t fully grasp this profound mystery on this side of Heaven, God desires to reveal some of the mystery through the marriage relationship. Whether we’re single or married, we can discover the treasure of “godly learnings” by actively observing Christ-centered marriages and asking questions of Christian mentors who are married. If God grants us the gift of marriage, we can experience godly learnings firsthand.  

In order for UNITY to exist in the RELATIONSHIPS, the following must be present:

• The Love of God
• Perfect Jesus
• Commitment
• Respect
• Willingness to submit
• Repentance
• Grace
• Forgiveness
• Honor

When this amazing mix is found in a marriage relationship, an awe-inspiring picture of Christ’s love for the Church fills the world with His beauty and love.

A human man who leads perfectly has no place in this masterful mix.

Prayer

Heavenly Father, You are absolute Perfection.

Thank You for sending Your Perfect Son to save imperfect me. Thank You for creating marriage and revealing Yourself and Your Love through it. Help me to remember: It’s ok that I’m not perfect. That’s why Jesus came!

Father, forgive me for putting pressure on _____________ to be perfect.

When I’m tempted to expect perfection from myself or a man, stop me. I don’t want to wander away from You. Lift my eyes to Jesus. Free my heart to fall into the arms of my loving Shepherd, who “leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake” (Psalm 23:3). In marriage, in dating, in life—empower me by Your Perfect Spirit to “love {You} with all {my} heart and with all {my} soul and with all {my} mind.”  Empower me to “love {my} neighbor as {myself}” (Matthew 22:38-39).

May I follow hard after You. In the Perfect Name of Jesus, Amen.

*Tap here to read the follow-up to this blog titled, “5 Steps to LET GO of Your Dream of the PERFECT MAN”. By letting go, we are free to embrace God’s Higher Vision for us!

*Verses are ESV unless noted.