I cringe when I hear someone say something stupid to someone single. Even though I’ve been married well over a decade, I still remember the struggles of singleness. For those who aren’t familiar with my story, I married at thirty, which meant I spent many years at single status. I vividly remember the tension of deeply desiring to marry while earnestly seeking contentment in the midst of circumstances undesirable to me. I’m certain that I’ll never forget the uncomfortable uncertainty of waiting for God to provide a husband while wondering if His Plan for me included marriage.
For those who long to marry, living single for an indefinite amount of time is definitely challenging. No single person needs the added pressure that comes when others single you out through insensitive comments and unhelpful questions.
I’m talking about comments like:
“I’m sorry you’re single.”
“You need to put yourself out there more.”
“You’re too picky; you need to lower your standards.”
“When you become content in God, then He’ll bring you a husband.”
I’m talking about questions like:
“Why don’t you go to the singles group at (insert name of a mega church)?
“Why don’t you try a dating app for Christians? (Insert a name) met her husband like that.”
It’s annoying, isn’t it?
Reflection – For those who are single:
- When it comes to living single, what are some insensitive comments/questions you hear often?
- Of those comments/questions, which ones bother you the most, and why?
- When you receive rude remarks/questions about your single status, how do you respond?
Reflection – For those who are married:
- What recent suggestions have you made to single friends of things they could do differently to find a spouse? (Write them down.)
- Pretend you are single. Review the comments/questions you wrote down, and circle the ones that would make you feel seen and valued?
- How do you encourage your single friends?
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Take the high road.
Unfortunately, rude remarks/questions about your single status won’t stop until there’s a ring on your finger. Though rude remarks may merit a rude response, take the road less traveled—the high road where God is honored through your love.
Love God.
Love yourself as a wonderfully-woven-in God’s-image-creation.
Love your neighbor as yourself.
This is what love looks like, compliments of Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a:
- LOVE IS patient, kind, rejoices with the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, and never ends.
- LOVE IS NOT envious, boastful, arrogant, rude, insistent on its own way, irritable, resentful, and it does not rejoice at wrongdoing.
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Believe the best in people.
We, humans, are students of “Love” who fall short in loving like our Savior. All of us need some grace as we build and nurture the various relationships in our lives. In the spirit of love, “Bear all things. Believe all things.” Believe the best in people.
The people who notice you are single and actually take the time to initiate a conversation about it most likely care about you. Though their words come across as mean, they probably mean well. Their comments and questions could be their attempt to offer you friendship and support, but they don’t know how to communicate care and concern in a loving way. Perhaps they didn’t experience singleness long enough to understand its unique struggles. Perhaps they have forgotten what it’s like to live single. Perhaps they are honestly trying to connect with you and understand your perspective.
Believe the best in people. Receive their words for what they are at their core: conversation starters.
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Engage in the right conversation.
After someone questioned you about your single state, did you ever question yourself?
I did when I was single. One day, it dawned on me that most insensitive comments/questions regarding singleness share something in common: Such comments/questions imply that a person is single because she’s not doing enough or she’s doing something incorrectly. Think about it:
“You need to put yourself out there more.” Implication: I’m not married because I’m not making myself available enough to single guys.
“You’re too picky; you need to lower your standards.” Implication: I’m not married because I’ve made my standards too high for guys.
“When you become content in God, then He’ll bring you a husband.” Implication: I’m not married because I’m not happy enough in God.
“Why don’t you try a dating app for Christians?” Implication: I’m not married because I’m not trying every option.
See, there’s an emphasis on a person doing.
When the conversation focuses on what you’re doing and doesn’t consider what Jesus wants to do through you, it’s the wrong conversation. Remember, the conversation about your single status should always start with Jesus—“the Way, and the Truth, and the Life” (John 14:6). “In him we live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:28). As His disciple, Jesus invites you to, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men” (Matthew 4:19). Your life is lived in response to Jesus’ words, character, and love. The best thing you can do is follow Him!
Follow Jesus.
If you’re following Jesus, then you can have confidence that you are right where you need to be—even when it comes to falling in love! “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19). God is love’s author; God wrote the script of your love story, and Jesus directs the scenes. Follow Jesus’ lead, and He’ll walk you from scene to scene to the highly anticipated unveiling of your story. Then, He’ll walk you to “The End” on this side of Heaven and into eternal love. Follow Jesus, and you won’t miss out on anything! “For the LORD, God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly” (Psalm 84:11).
To follow Jesus is to live…surrendered to Jesus…willing to follow Him anywhere…guided by His Word and Holy Spirit…loving Him and loving others all along the way.
So, here’s the real question, “Are you following Jesus?”
To help you answer, here are some specific questions to ponder:
- Are you seeking to love God with all of your being?
- Do you desire His way over your way?
- Are you applying the Word of God in your life—even in the area singleness?
- Are you open to reminders and prompts from the Holy Spirit?
- Are you choosing to love others?
If you’re following Jesus, then you can have confidence that you are right where you need to be—even when it comes to falling in love!
AimeeSimmons.com
Talk with a mentor.
As you follow Jesus, it’s extremely helpful to talk with a mentor, an older woman who has walked more miles with Jesus and grown wiser along the way. A godly mentor asks good questions that help you process your thoughts and feelings about singleness and other life experiences. A godly mentor encourages you to keep following Jesus and growing in relationship with Him. At times, she will challenge you to see things from a different perspective, and she’ll do it in a loving way. “The purpose in a {woman’s} heart is like deep water, but a {woman} of understanding will draw it out” (Proverbs 20:5).
To find a mentor:
- Prayerfully ask God to bring someone to mind.
- Think about older women (single and married) whom you admire and respect because of their sincere relationship with Jesus, strong character, and gracious, generous love for others.
- Of the women who came to mind, which ones would you feel comfortable sharing your heart with and being really honest?
- Which of those women view singleness in light of God’s Glory and would encourage you to seek Jesus above seeking a man to marry?
- If you don’t know many women like that, express your desire to be mentored to a leader at your local church (i.e. a leader in Women’s Ministry, Discipleship Ministry, Student Ministry, College Ministry, Young Adult Ministry, etc.). If you’re attending college, getting involved in a campus ministry can be a good way to find a mentor.
- When you identify a woman who would make a great mentor, don’t hesitate to ask her! It’s a compliment to be asked. If she’s in a season of life where she can’t meet regularly, don’t worry. God has someone in mind for you, and He’ll reveal her in the right time. Keep praying!
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Turn your answer into a testimony.
Created as God’s image-bearer, glorifying God is the story of your life. If you are following Jesus, growing closer to Him, and growing more like Him, then you can walk in confidence: You are where you need to be, and you’re doing what you need to do.
People may question if you’re doing enough, but here’s the reality: You answer to Jesus! You don’t need to defend yourself to others. Because of Jesus, you’re free to love them! Why not love them with a “patient and kind” response? What if you “rejoice with the truth,” and share how God is loving you in this season of singleness? Imagine what could happen if you turn your answer into a testimony. God might use your words to encourage others to follow Jesus in a deeper way.
Created as God’s image-bearer, glorifying God is the story of your life.
aimeesimmons.com
A single testimony:
Here’s a story of how I turned my answer into a testimony. When I was 27, I began serving as a discipleship leader for a 3rd grade girls’ group at my church. The group met on Sunday mornings, the same time the singles group met. An older lady in my church questioned, “How are you going to meet a husband when you’re with kids? The singles group at (insert name of mega church down the road) has a larger singles group than we have here. Why don’t you go there?”
Because I was following Jesus and was confident that He led me to serve in kids’ discipleship, I was able to respond with a thoughtful answer: “I feel led to serve the kids and to be a part of this church. I believe God is BIG enough to provide a husband for me, even when I’m not part of a singles group.”
She didn’t ask me again, and hopefully, my little testimony about our BIG God turned her thoughts to Him! I wonder if she remembered our conversation three years later when I married Steve, who I met at church!
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Dear God,
You are Love and the Author of every great love story.
I come to you, struggling with the rude remarks people make to me about being single and the unhelpful questions they ask me. I find their opinions and suggestions hurtful and annoying.
God, You know my heart. You know I desire to marry. You know I desire to live surrendered to You, trusting You with my love story and honoring You in the waiting. The inconsiderate comments trigger me to question if I’m single because I’m not doing enough or I’m doing something incorrectly. I find myself focusing more on what I’m doing than on what Jesus is doing in my life. Please renew my spirit.
Help me to remember Truth:
- True love comes from You, God. You wrote the script of my love story, and Jesus directs the scenes.
- There’s nothing I can do to bring true love into my life on a faster timeline than You have planned.
- If I follow Jesus, I won’t miss any good thing. Jesus will walk me through every scene of my love story to its unveiling to “The End” on this side of Heaven. Then, the happily ever after will come with Jesus, who is the Love of a Lifetime and beyond!
- My love story with a man isn’t the main story. Glorifying You is the story of my life!
Strengthen me and empower me to follow Jesus faithfully and to stand confidently in His love. Guard my heart from becoming offended or shaken by insensitive comments. Renew my mind to believe the best in people who say the wrong things. Reveal to me a loving response that testifies to how You are loving me in this season of my life.
In Jesus’s Loving Name, Amen.
