7 Helpful Ways to Relate to Your Boyfriend or Husband
In part 1 of this blog series, we chose to be the #1 Woman, a woman whose presence in a man’s life helps him grow closer to God. We took a closer look at our identity in dating and marriage relationships and why it’s important for us to be actively engaged in the relationship. Today, we’re looking at seven ways to relate to a man that help him grow closer to God.
1—Give the man space to seek and learn from God.
We’re all sinners who don’t love perfectly or know how to build loving relationships on our own. We have much to learn from Jesus about our powerful purpose—to glorify God, our profound potential to share Christ in the world, woman’s beautiful design, man’s rugged design, and how those different designs unite as one to glorify God and reflect Christ’s love for the Church.
To learn from Jesus, you need space to seek Him. Your boyfriend or husband needs space to seek Jesus. You both need space to think about what you’re experiencing in your relationship in light of God’s Word and character. You both need space for God’s Spirit to help you, guide you, and build your character. You both need space for God to reveal the path He set before you.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” -Proverbs 3:5-6
(Jesus speaking) “These things I have spoken to you while I am still with you. But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.” –John 14:25-26
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit.” –Galatians 5:22-25
Only God has the power to shape hearts to be more like Him, and He accomplishes His awe-inspiring work from the inside-out. If you’ve been trying to change your boyfriend or husband, you can abandon your fruitless work, and let God be God in the man’s life. Choose to be a loving presence in a man’s life, and not a hindrance, to him building relationship with Jesus. Invite the Holy Spirit, the Ultimate Helper, to move in a man’s heart…and in your heart!
2—Treat the man as you want to be treated.
“Jesus replied, ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself’” (Matthew 22:37-39/NIV).
In the context of a dating relationship or marriage, to “love your neighbor as yourself” means you should treat a boyfriend or husband as you would like to be treated. Inevitably, your imperfect self will make some mistakes as you interact with a man. When you “mess up” and cause hurt or pain in the relationship, how do you want him to treat you?
Do you want the man to respond unlovingly—with impatience, anger, disrespect, and keeping a scorecard? Or do you want him to treat you lovingly—with patience, kindness, respect, and forgiveness?
Jesus chose love because it’s always the best choice! Love which honors God is “patient, love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails” (The Love Verse: 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a).
3—Don’t take it personally when a man doesn’t “seem” to lead well.
In a relationship, our longing to be loved can cause us to be impatient and overanalyze a man’s words and actions. It’s easy to think: If he is treating me this way, then he must not respect me. Or if he is treating me in an unloving way, then I must not deserve to be loved.
A man’s leadership skills (or not yet developed leadership skills) don’t speak to your worth. God created men AND women in His image, full of dignity and value. Your Creator is the only One who has the power to define you. He knows what you are made of, what you are capable of, and the destiny before you! God defines your worth. PERIOD.
The man’s leadership skills don’t speak to his dignity or value, either. God defines the man’s worth. PERIOD.
An imperfect man will at some point treat you in an unloving way, but that doesn’t always mean he undervalues you. Remember the story I shared in the last blog about Scott and how he felt attacked by my words? Just as I didn’t initially realize my words and tone were hurtful to Scott, your boyfriend or husband may not even realize his words or actions hurt you.
Only God knows the intentions of the heart. Be careful to not form judgments about a man’s words or actions until you have given him a chance to speak for himself.
4—Learn what it means to be a leader.
Have you ever thought about what it means to be a leader? If you have ever held a position of leadership at home, work, school, or on a team, then you know that leading others is not easy and is a great responsibility. Jesus modeled servant leadership to His disciples and to us. “For even the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45).
In marriage, the man is called to be a loving leader like Jesus, who made the Ultimate sacrifice for His Bride, dying for her. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish” (Ephesians 5:25-27). In God’s Higher Vision for marriage, a husband loves his wife sacrificially, cherishes, and honors his wife. The husband’s role is a God-sized calling that can only be carried out with God and with a wife who loves God with her heart, soul, and mind.
5—Choose to see the man’s potential.
If you date or marry a man in his teens or early twenties, then he will most likely have little leadership experience. In other words, when it comes to leadership he will have a lot of room to grow in God! If his parents didn’t have a loving, Christ-centered marriage, then he may have never had a close-up view of a husband and wife carrying out God’s Marital Vision. If his leadership skills were criticized by other women he dated, then he may question himself or experience fear in the relationship.
In dating as a woman gets to know a man better, she gains glimpses into his strengths and weaknesses. In marriage, a wife has a much closer view of her husband’s strengths and weaknesses. Instead of focusing on what you consider to be a man’s weak spots, struggles, and failures, choose to see the profound potential he has in Jesus to glorify God.
Your boyfriend or husband is a wonderfully-made-in-God’s-image-creation with God-given abilities, talents, and spiritual gifts designed to glorify God and make Him known in the world. The Spirit of God dwells IN the man’s heart, transforming him and empowering him to love and serve God. What we perceive as an area of weakness is an opportunity for the man to experience God’s heart-transforming love and power!
6—Learn to communicate with love.
Proverbs contains many warnings about quarrelsome women—those who use their words in unloving ways. We’ve all known a woman who chose to fight instead of love, who chose to blame instead of love her neighbor as herself, and who chose to belittle others instead of encouraging them.
“A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand” (Proverbs 27:15-16/NIV). The fighting words of a woman nag a man. Her words are like the unwanted, annoying drip of a damaged roof, which is not easily quieted. Her attacking words provoke him to take the opposing side and defend himself.
“With the tongue, we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.”- James 3:9-10
“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.”- Hebrews 10:24/NIV
Instead of unloving words constantly filling a man’s ears, he needs encouragement and some quiet space to hear from God.
When you have a negative, harsh, sensitive, or hurtful thought towards the man: Take it captive, and take it to Christ in prayer. 1 Corinthians 10:5 says, “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.”
Here are some questions to help you process your thought:
- Does my thought line up with God’s Word?
- Does my thought leaning more towards love or self-centeredness? (Refer to the Love Verse.)
- Am I viewing him as a creation made in God’s image?
- If I feel hurt, am I giving him the benefit of the doubt?
- If I feel hurt, how can Jesus heal my hurt?
- If I need to talk to him, then how can I share in a loving, respectful way that invites conversation instead of provoking an argument?
Here’s a simple way to encourage a man in Christ’s direction: Observe how the man loves God and loves others. Communicate to him the specific ways you see him love God, you, and others well. If he attempts to do something great for God and fails, then consider encouraging him for taking a step of faith to serve God, and ask him what he learned from the experience. Encouragement is good for the heart and can be used by God to inspire hearts to move forward with Him.
7—Pray for him.
It’s a privilege to see a man through God’s eyes. If God and the man grant you a glimpse into his heart, that is truly a gift. Dating or married, one of the most loving things you can do is pray for him to become the man God created him to be.
Heavenly Father, I praise You for You are loving, gracious, powerful yet gentle, and wise.
I pray for (name of boyfriend or husband or future husband) that You would shape him into a man who seeks You, lives a life surrendered to You, and follows hard after You. Shape _________ into a man who loves You with all of his heart, soul, and mind and loves His neighbor as himself. Strengthen his understanding of his identity in You. Heal the wounds of his heart. Grow him into a servant leader who loves like Jesus. Help _________ to discover and develop his natural abilities, talents, and spiritual gifts. Empower him to move forward with You to make Christ known through loving words and deeds.
Father, let me be a blessing in _________’s life. Let me be a woman whose presence in his life helps him grow closer to You. In Jesus’ Loving Name, Amen.
Verses are ESV, unless noted.
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